Just What You Need

"Hello, I’m Alton Flay. I was created in a laboratory using DNA from both Alton Brown and Bobby Flay. And so I possess the entirety of their combined culinary knowledge, which I hope to put to use as the host of the Food Network’s newest hit show, Just Some Cooking! Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for today’s contestant. Executive chef and owner of the acclaimed Nashville eatery, Tuxly’s, it’s Jill Gardiner!

WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE

“It’s an honor to be here, Mr. Flay!”

“Please, call me Alton. Now, for today’s challenge, we’ve got a fun one. Using pine nuts, fresh basil, garlic, Romano cheese, olive oil, salt, and pepper, we would like you to make… PESTO!”

AUDIBLE GASP FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE

“Uh, what? You want me to use pesto ingredients to make… pesto? Seriously, I’ve seen enough of these shows. What’s the twist?”

“No twist.”

“You’re not going to make me turn this into a dessert or something?”

“No.”

“Are you going to give me a ridiculous time limit?”

“Take as long as you like.”

“But you’re going to judge me against other chefs?”

“You’re our only contestant of the day.”

“Oh, wait! I know! You’re going to make me use some bizarre tool, aren’t you?”

“Not unless you consider a Cuisinart 13-Cup Food Processor a bizarre tool. Sure, it’s been refurbished, but it’s still an excellent model, with easy touchpad controls and stainless steel blades.”

“So, it’s just… making pesto.”

“Exactly! You see, we have all these ridiculous competition shows that force cooks to do things they’d never dream of. And sure, that’s fun and all, but every now and then we figured you’d need a little break. A chance to relax. And that’s what we let you do here on… Just Some Cooking.”

“You know, now that you mention it, so much of the culinary world is innovation for innovation’s sake. So it really would be nice to get back to the basics. Thanks for offering me a chance to do just that, Alton!”

“Please, call me Mr. Flay.”

“But you said before–”

“It really depends on which of my heads you’re talking to.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to mention anything. But that is pretty weird.”