Win Them Back Bundle

  • A bundle of nonsense to win him/her back, or to console yourself with when it doesn’t work. You get:
  • 1 Edible Arrangement that’s Holiday-themed and “best by” a variety of dates coming up, though the yogurt pretzels are mid-March, so eat or toss those depending on your/their tolerance for stale pretzels
  • 1 Nexbelt, which is like a belt but Nex
  • 1 iLive 30-pin Bluetooth adapter for reviving your old beloved speaker dock
  • 5 Schick razor refills for looking sharp when it doesn’t work out and you have to hit the online dating scene
  • Model: BBComeBak
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Say Almost Anything

You can’t sleep. Life doesn’t seem worth living. The Frozen soundtrack is capable of reducing you to a puddle of weeping despondency. You’re heartbroken. What do you do?

Some “friends” and “mental health professionals” recommend grieving the loss of your relationship in a patient, healthy way. But that sounds hard. Screw that.

Better to make a grand, stupid gesture of undying love to show your beloved how much you care in the hopes that he or she takes you back. Here’s the official Meh.com 5-Step Guide To Winning Them Back.

  1. Check the forecast. Wait for a rainy day, and not just light showers but a real downpour to make your move. Everybody knows the greater the precipitation that falls on you while screaming your ex’s name from the street, the more likely they are to come rushing out and embrace you.
  2. Attach the 30-pin Bluetooth adapter to the oldest, clunkiest speaker dock you have in storage. The lesson of Say Anything was that you need a boxy sound system to heft over your head dramatically when you play “your song.”
  3. Shave with the Schick razor — your face or your legs, depending on gender expression. And don a real pair of pants with the Nexbelt, not the sweatpants you wore for the last 8 months of your dying relationship. You want to appear as though you have changed.
  4. When he or she comes rushing out into your loving, rain-drenched arms, bring forth the Edible Arrangement to seal the deal. Yes it’s a Holiday-themed Edible Arrangement, but you can explain that you got it at a huge discount, thereby demonstrating your newfound money savvy. Nothing’s sexier than that.
  5. Now that the rift in the lute of your relationship is healed, go back to how you were before. Grand gestures are so named ‘cuz nobody can keep that shit up forever.

There you go. Save yourself the pain of heartbreak. Save yourself the cost of therapy. Save yourself the hassle of emotional awareness and healing. Buy some crap, stand out in the rain, and settle back in.

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