End of Summer Desperation Bundle

  • You get a (random) nice canvas bag, a (random) big floppy hat, 5 cheap sunglasses, 5 packs of 70 “Shimmer Tattoos,” and a wistful feeling at every change of the season
  • That’s right, 350 metallic-ish tattoos. Wear one a day for almost a year, or just put them all on at once
  • Ok, ok, the tattoos admittedly don’t make a lot of sense in this bundle, we just wanted to rid ourselves of them
  • If you believe hard enough that summer willl never end (and you move to the Southern Hemisphere), it won’t
  • You might get it in time to cover in dust at Burning Man
  • Model: $UMM3RT1M3 (Does creating a model number require anything more than this? Is there some kind of model number regulatory body we have to seek approval from? There should be)
see more product specs

Please Please Us

Step right up and check out this exclusive, one-of-a-kind end-of-summer bundle. Don’t spend too long reading this, because – hoo boy! — these bundles are gonna sell out faster than Kleenex at an allergy convention. At least, we hope they do, or our quarterly sales reports are gonna look pretty ugly.

That’s right, folks, for one low price you get everything you need for a day of fun in the sun! You also get a bunch of temporary “shimmer” tattoos. We’ll be honest with you: Those tattoos are only included because we have no other way of selling them. Please don’t let their inclusion in this fantastic bundle dissuade you from buying the rest of it. Please. We’ve got sales goals to hit, okay? And families. Think about our families.

Ahem, well …

Act fast, because these summer bundles are selling faster than Bruno Mars compact discs at a beachside Sam Goody. One, two, three bundles sold — and counting! You’ll have it made in the shades with the 5 pairs of sunglasses. Though, let’s be honest, you probably own your own sunglasses that are a lot nicer than these cheap dollar-store shades. But again, don’t let one part of this bundle sour you on the rest. Throw the sunglasses out — do whatever you need to do – just please, please get them off our books. We don’t want the tax man knocking while we’re sitting on a bunch of shitty merchandise. We’re begging you, as one human being to another, to just click the “Buy Now” button and lift this suffocating anxiety from our chests.

Anyway …

3, 4, 5 bundles sold! Can our severs even handle this kind of traffic? Not when every shopper online gets a whiff of this spicy deal. With the big floppy hat that comes included, you can cling to the last days of summer as desperately as we’re clinging to this sales pitch! Granted, the majority of our customers are men and most of the women who would be interested in this have their own hats or aren’t interested in this particular style. But who cares? Certainly not you. You’re a good person. A kind person. A sympathetic person who understands that people try their best, and even if they don’t always buy the right products or sign the right deals, still deserve a second chance.

That aside …

The canvas bag is actually pretty nice. It’s by far the most expensive thing in this bundle even if it’s the least sexy. And who doesn’t need a bag? Nobody. So if you’re a cold-hearted shopper unconvinced by our desperate plea, don’t think of this as a “End-of-Summer Bundle,” think of it as “A Nice Bag.”

You don’t want a canvas bag, either? WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, huh? Sorry. Shouldn’t have yelled like that. We don’t want you to buy this, we need you to, or else, or else …

[Silent sobbing]

Oh God, everything mother said was true. We’re just pathetic. We can’t do anything right. We can’t even put together a fun summer bundle.

Here’s what you should do: Buy one of these bundles, put it in a steel drum, add some gasoline, and light it on fire. That’s the only way you’ll wring any enjoyment out of it. You think we’re being sarcastic, but we’re not. We’ll say whatever it takes to make this sale.

So just buy it … please?

[Audible sobbing]

So far today...

  • 55334 of you visited.
  • 48% on a phone, 8% on a tablet.
  • 4857 clicked meh
  • on this deal.

And you bought...

  • 630 of these.
  • Deal ended .
  • That’s $10742 total.
  • (including shipping)

Who's buying this crap?

How many are you buying?