The Many Functions... Of Love

Time to dive into our library of branded content romance novels, for a tale of secrecy, royalty, and grilling. Please enjoy these excerpts from Coals Aflame by Criminy Highlater.

Grilling with one tool? Mary had gotten used to that thanks to her Starfrit Tonglite. In many ways, she was a lot like the 6-in-1 bbq multi-tool: she was strong, she had many skills, could do many things, and, since Eric had run off with his secretary a year before, she relied only on herself.

Which was what she planned to do that Saturday afternoon. Her work at the non-profit, helping troubled youth gain acceptance to Ivy League schools, didn’t leave her much time for making friends, so she would do it on her own. She would take a cooler, her little grill, and her Starfrit, and she would go from her apartment in Soho to Central Park to have a little cookout for one. It would be simple… or so she thought.

“M’lady, if I may have a word,” came a voice soon after she’d set up. Mary ignored it, thinking it sounded so British and refined that it must be coming from someone’s radio. But when it persisted, she looked up.

An austere and very handsome man stood in front of her.

“There you are,” he said. “I couldn’t help but gain sight of your grill, and I wondered if I might bequeath you of a favor?”

Mary had gotten good at doing things alone since Eric left, but there was something interesting about this man, something that made her desire his company.

The man said his name was Collin, and he worked for the a mysterious member of the royal family, Prince Nigel. Mary remembered seeing on the news that Nigel was making his first visit to the United States. She hadn’t listened to the story, because she’d been distracted by the strange mask the prince seemed to wear everywhere.

“What kind of work do you do for him?” Mary asked.

“All sorts,” was all Collin said.

“And so what can I help you with?” Mary asked.

“Well, being among the prince’s central envoy, I am privy to many of the finest restaurants in the world, but I don’t always want to partake in such luxury. And I was hoping you might allow me to dine with you, to take in a true American meal!”

“That’s it?” Mary asked. “You want a burger and some hot dogs?”

“'Tis my heart’s desire,” Collin said with a winning smile. “And if it would please you, I’d be happy to help. For example, perhaps I will unpack the remainder of the tools you require for grilling?”

Mary smiled and held up the Starfrit. “I only need one!”

Mary flipped burgers with the spatula when the upper arm was drawn back and rotated hot dogs with the tongs when the upper arm was extended. She opened them each a bottle of beer with the opener. “A fine colonial ale!” Collin said. Mary laughed, using the Starfrit’s serrated edge to cut the buns.

While they ate, Mary asked, “So is Prince Nigel really as eccentric as he seems?”

“You’re asking about the mask, I presume?”

Mary blushed. "Well, I–

Collin laughed. “It’s no issue. It’s what everyone wants to know: why is he always wearing that strange masquerade mask, the one behind which he has hidden since his youth? Is his face disfigured? Is he some sort of lunatic? But the truth is, he simply desires privacy. He doesn’t want to be followed everywhere he goes.”

Mary opened her mouth, ready to say that this made sense–that she could not imagine what it must be like–when suddenly the sky went dark.

Nearby people screamed. Collin grabbed her hand, fearfully. “My god, it’s some sort of unpredicted total solar eclipse! Not even my royal astronomer saw this coming!”

Mary switched on the Starfrit’s flashlight, which she usually only used for convenient nighttime cooking.

“What do you mean ‘your’ royal astronomer?” She asked. She pointed the flashlight towards him, then towards his arm, and down to wear his hand still held hers. She felt a rush of something she had not felt in some time, not since Eric.

But then, the sun came back. Mary turned the light off and set the Starfrit down. Collin quickly stood. “I’ve just realized something, something very important,” he said. “Blast, I have so much bloody work. I must be retreating, but perhaps we could meet later? For another ale?”

Mary nodded. Collin named a bar–a dingy sports bar on the East Side–and a time. With that, he was gone. When Mary went to pack up, she couldn’t find her Starfrit anywhere. Which was a shame, as its scraper feature certainly would’ve helped her to clean her grill.

Mary waited at the bar, nursing her beer. The televisions were all turned to the baseball game, with the sound way up. Occasionally, a promo for the evening news promised coverage of Prince Nigel’s visit as well as the strange lunar happening of the afternoon.

“Who cares,” Mary mumbled to herself. Collin was late. Of course he was! He probably wasn’t coming. Another near-miss with love, she thought.

Just then, the feed cut out from the baseball game. “We interrupt this broadcast to bring you, a statement from Prince Nigel the Third.”

There he stood, the man in the strange mask. Mary laughed. He looked so silly. Then he spoke.

“Good morrow, our friends from across the pond,” he said.

Mary felt herself go rigid. She recognized that voice! But no, it couldn’t be. Could it?

“Collin?” she said, as if he could answer her through the television.

“It has been lovely visiting your many museums and areas of historical importance,” the prince went on. “But it was none of them that taught me the most. It was a single person–a single woman–who showed me the true American character, one that is not afraid of multiplicity.” He held up the Starfrit; Mary’s breath caught. “I’ve learned that, like this tool, Americans can do great things, many different great things, and are not as easily categorizable as they seem. And like this tool, they can do wonders at a grill.”

The crowd broke out in laughter in applause. Cameras flashed.

“Now, I may have more to say on this later. But right now, I must be going. I need to return this to its rightful owner. I fear I may even be late!” Just as quickly as the address had begun, it was over. The baseball game returned.

“Anyone sitting here?” a woman said to Mary, indicating the seat next to her at a bar.

Mary smiled. “Yes,” she said. “Or I should say, he’s on his way here now.”