We’re not selling this deal anymore, but you can buy it at Amazon

SharkFLEX DuoClean Corded Ultra-Light Vacuum

  • Features MultiFLEX tech, which means it can flex in multiple ways.
  • DuoClean means it has two brushrolls with an exposed front for large debris.
  • “Anti-Allergen Complete Seal Technology captures and traps 99.9% of dust and allergens down to 1 micron,” says us.
  • Translation: This thing eats allergens for breakfast. And lunch. Also dinner.
  • Under-appliance wand makes it easy to play “guess what’s under my fridge.”
  • Weighs under 10lbs.
  • Corded so you don’t need to worry about charging.
  • Model: HV391, because 391 cleaning professionals agree: it’s a Helluva Vacuum.
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Read The Market

We’re entering the time of year when everything freezes and dies and allergies are replaced by a sense of tired dryness. For some of you, this might be a relief. And yet, consider these two things: first, said dryness does nothing to dry up non-seasonal allergies, like those related to pets; and second, spring will be back sooner than you think with its pollen-thick air. And just like the smart shopper buys next year’s wrapping paper the day after Christmas when it’s marked down to nothing, so too does he or she purchase an allergen-optimized vacuum just as allergy season winds down.

And boy oh boy, does this thing suck up allergies. In fact, it “captures and traps 99.9% of dust and allergens down to 1 micron.” As a non-allergy-sufferer myself, I don’t know exactly what that means. I can tell you that, given the the word “micron” is pretty much just “micro” with an n, it sounds pretty small.

What I actually CANNOT understand is what the fuck “MultiFLEX Technology” is. I know that it “provides flexible reach for under furniture and freestanding, compact storage.” But what does that mean, exactly? Digging a little deeper, I found that the “MultiFLEX wand bends so you don’t have to, reaching under low lying furniture with ease.” So, apparently, it’s a kind of semi-flexible wand? That’s it? Seriously?

But friends, I’m not mad. No, not at all. In fact, I think it’s smart. Genius even! Every feature of every product, regardless of how mundane, should get the marketing-speak treatment. For example:

  • Did you know all cars come pre-loaded with Full-RANGE MotionDirect?
  • Is that the cap to the milk carton? No! It’s a CalciCLOSE!
  • The hottest new blenders all have a good Pure-Shred System!
  • How about these tea kettles, now featuring Tilt-n-Pour technology? Or these cutting edge new mason jars, now with patented Twist-n-Lock lids?
  • The new Dual Function Door opens AND closes! WOW!
  • You definitely need oven mitts with HeatGard, especially when using a stove that features a patented SelecTemp system!
  • LeakRESIST washing machines help keep floors dry at all times!
  • Tired of wonky lopsided breakfasts? Get a waffle iron with SymmetriTECH!
  • I just love my Cold-Air Refrigerator, especially now that it comes with a Colder-Air Freezer!
  • Caffeine? Sounds clinical. How about: Coffee! Now with Stay-Alert!
  • And when it comes to toilets, you gotta make sure to get one with a good Fecal Annihilation Trigger!

That’s what we came up with. How about you? If you want to turn something simple and self-explanatory into a complicated string of marketing lingo, hop in the comments and post away!

Otherwise, buy this Shark vac and wage some serious war on your allergies.

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Who's buying this crap?