Real(ly Fake) Reviews!

These are glasses, or really, they’re frames. You can have prescription lenses put in them, you could turn them into sunglasses, or, as one helpful Meh user pointed out, you can wear them with contacts for the best (and worst) of both worlds.

Over at Amazon, the reviews are pretty positive, but few go in depth on what really makes them good. One says, “Excellent. Great price.” Another says, “Very nice glasses for narrow faces.” Another that was perhaps written by a baby simply states, “goog.”

Not all of them are entirely useless, but they’re also not very interesting. So, I thought I would write some fictional testimonials that were and post them below. I hope you enjoy reading these, and moreover, I hope they push you towards making a purchase.

1.

I’m a lawyer, but right now, I’m not in the courtroom. Instead, it’s late at night and I’m in my office, wearing Ray-Ban glasses, poring over all the evidence of this grueling case, trying to find something to prove my client is innocent. All the older lawyers at this firm didn’t want to take my client on, and I’m starting to see why, but then again, I’m a young perky go-getter. Sometimes I worry that I’m too concerned with upholding justice, that I get too wrapped up in what’s right and wrong, that I fall in love with too many of my clients. But I can’t think about that now. I need to squint through my Ray-Bans at this piece of paper, then dig out another piece of paper and squint at that one, before realizing I’ve found it: a small but pretty obvious detail that proves my client wasn’t there that night. Thanks, Ray-Bans! I couldn’t have done it without you.

2.

I’m a bit of a nerd. You can tell because I’m always wearing these thick Ray-Ban frames. Also, I’m always doing nerdy things like taking notes in class or carrying a lot of books. Sometimes I drop them, to the delight of cheerleaders and jocks. My best friend is quirky and outgoing, but I am not. I have a figure that would require a nutritionist and hours of gym time each day to maintain, but you can’t see it under these bulky sweaters that I wear, while sitting in my bedroom listening to non-aggressive indie rock or reading an obscure book like Wuthering Heights or The Collected Plays of William Shakespeare. Perhaps someday, someone will move here from out of town and crack this high school’s social hierarchy wide open, but until then it’s just me, my one quirky friend, my books, my sweaters, and my Ray-Ban glasses.

3.

I’m what you might call a savant. I’m always doing things like solving unsolvable math equations, or going to the park and playing five games of chess at a time… and winning. The crisp lines of my Ray-Ban frames are definitely in stark contrast with my wildly disheveled hair! Can I tell you something? I wasn’t surprised to see the government suits show up at my house. What did surprise me was when they took me to the research facility and showed me what they found. I stared at it for a whole a minute. Then I dramatically took off my Ray-Ban glasses, wiped them on my shirt, and stared at it for a minute longer. I didn’t know what I was looking at. What I did know was that, despite being just a guy from Queens (with the IQ of a Nobel laureate), I might save the world. Strap in, Ray-Bans! This is going to be a long ride!

What do you think? A bit more exciting, right? Well, if you think you can do better, be my guest (in the comments).