Organic Essentials Cotton Sheet Sets
- These 100% organic 100% cotton sheets are 100% what we’re selling right now
- Buying them counts as a last-second gift for mother nature
- The fitted sheets have deep pockets for extra fitted-sheetiness
- Made without chemicals and bleach and all that
- Model: OES-AST-F, OES-AST-Q, OES-AST-K (Next year we resolve to stop taking horrendous model numbers so personally. Thankfully it’s still 2017 so we can be as appalled by these as we want.)
Hide Your Shame
We’ve been talking a lot about New Year’s resolutions lately. We should probably stop, but these organic sheets are really the best resolution accessory you can buy.
No, not because they’ll jumpstart your resolution to buy organic, because everyone knows you’re too poor and lazy for that. The sheets won’t help you with your resolutions per se, but rather help you cover up your shame when you fail spectacularly at them.
On December 31st you might announce to your Facebook friends something like, “This year I’m going to stick to the keto diet and lose 50 pounds” What an inspiriting, hubristic attitude! A few weeks and simple carbohydrates later, however, it’ll be obvious to anyone who looks at you that you already broke your resolution.
Enter the sheet.
Simply drape yourself in these 100% cotton sheets and nobody will be the wiser. Maybe you stuck to your diet, maybe you didn’t — it’ll be hard to tell how ketogenic that mass of human shuffling around underneath a sheet is.
Best of all, your friends won’t be able to see the shame written all over your face when you break your resolutions. “All I needed to do was a single push-up every day, and I couldn’t even pull it off,” your wretched countenance will announce. But not if it’s under a sheet.
You don’t have to wear the sheet all the time after you fail at the simple self-improvement goals you set for yourself, only while in public. Or while near a mirror that might reflect your own shame back at yourself and send you into a spiral of self-hate.
In fact, maybe you should plan to cower beneath these sheets for a good 10-11 months before the humiliation wears off. Then you’ll be able to launder them in time to huddle beneath in 2019.
