A Mother's Day Carol

Ebenezer lay down to sleep one night a week before Mother’s Day, when suddenly, from the corner of his room, there came a blinding light. Before he could cry out in terror, a woman stepped through. “Mother?” Ebenezer whispered, for she did look like his mother. But no: she hovered inches above the ground. Her whole body seemed to glow, and at the same time appeared translucent. this was a being from the great beyond.

“Ebenezer,” she said. “I am the Ghost of Mother’s Days Past. I am here to show you your many mistakes.”

“What?” Ebenezer cried. “But why?”

“Because you again are putting off shopping for Mother’s Day!”

Ebenezer was confused. “But that’s not true? I bought my mother a Megan Walford Heart Pendant just today.”

The Ghost of Mother’s Days Past rose higher off the ground. Her glow turned a cruel red. “But you lie, Ebenezer! Ghosts see all! And we did not see you enter a single store!”

“I got it on Meh,” Ebenezer said.

“Men?” said the Ghost of Mother’s Days Past.

“No, Meh.”

“Meth?! Ebenezer!”

“No! Meh!”

“Are you having an asthma attack?”

Ebenezer sighed. “It’s Meh. M-E-H. It’s an online store named after an expression of disinterest.”

The Ghost of Mother’s Days Past turned blue. He could not say why, but to Ebenezer it looked to be the hue of fear, and when she spoke, she confirmed his intuition. “Ebenezer! You should not shop on the internet! It’s too risky!”

“What?”

“It’s true,” cried the Ghost of Mother’s Days Past. “I downloaded the Shopping-Mega-Blitz toolbar, tried to order a set of sheets for the guest room, and was informed that I’d won a free cruise. All I had to do was click a button to accept it, but now it’s been weeks and I haven’t received any cruise tickets, nor any sheets for that matter. And whenever I try to check CNN, it goes to Funky-Games.co.se.uk.xoxo.”

Ebenezer blinked. “Okay, umm… well, Meh is a reputable site, so-”

But before he could finish, there appeared another blinding light and another ghost stepped through.

“Ghost of Mother’s Days Present,” said the Ghost of Mother’s Days Past, “you’re not supposed to arrive for another hour.”

“I know, I know,” said the Ghost of Mother’s Days Present. “But I heard you talking about computers, and I just had to come. I’ve been trying print out a photo at CVS, but it says it’s too big. What’s up with that? How could it be too big? It looks tiny on the camera.”

“It’s the pixels,” Ebenezer said. “You need to resize the image. I would be able to show you how, if you had your computer…”

“I did bring my computer!” Said the Ghost of Mother’s Days Present.

Dammit, thought Ebenezer. This was going to be a long night.