Bravely Martian Along

Well, it’s official: Martian Watches are out of business.

This is a real bummer for anyone who works there, of course. And for anyone who was rooting for a scrappy young player to make it in the fraught “wearables” marketplace. (In case you didn’t know, that’s an industry term for devices worn on the body, like fitness trackers, candy bracelets, and fake novelty mustaches.)

But for the rest of us, this is just the economy gettin’ its schöpferische Zerstörung on, yo. Doin’ its creative destruction thang. And where there is sadness, there is also opportunity. Just ask a payday lender, or anyone who’s ever scored a sweet deal at a police auction, or a turkey vulture.

Just warning you: the turkey vulture’s answer will be unintelligible. They lack a syrinx, the vocal organ in most birds. The More You Know!

So here you are, an online retail buzzard riding the thermals over a vast discount electronics marketplace, when what do you spy below you but one juicy-ass opportunity: A recently deceased smartwatch firm, spilling its inventory innards out for the taking. And they’re still warm!

OK, we’re abandoning the turkey vulture analogy now; it’s gross.

This is an exciting moment for deal scavengers like us (and you)! This is where we (and you) get to save a bunch of money, while also getting a bracing little hit of that thrilling marketplace risk ourselves (and yourself). This is the whole fun of closeout retail. It makes us feel alive!

But some of you – the button-down squares among you, who value predictability above all else, and who never understood the appeal of the television game show “Press Your Luck” – are gonna worry that when a smartwatch maker goes under, their smartwatches might soon stop working.

First, let’s just say that even if all the “smart” stuff shuts down, you’ll still have a pretty OK watch.

Second, we don’t have any reason to expect that will happen. But who knows? Maybe a server bill goes unpaid somewhere in the next couple months, and your Martian watch can’t do its notifications thing anymore. Systems are complex. Life’s unpredictable. Excrement transpires. So we’ve cooked up a nutty warranty scheme to help assuage your worries.

In addition to a standard four-month Mediocre warranty on regular hardware-type issues, we’re offering four months of coverage, starting today, against sunsetting of the “smart” functions on these watches.

If, within a month from today, your Martian watch software fails, unsupported by its no-longer-existent manufacturer, we’ll give you four $10 coupon codes for use at Meh (or other Mediocre stores).

If it happens in the second month, we’ll send you three such codes.

If it happens in the third month, we’ll send you two.

Fourth month, one.

Also, we’re offering this same smart-functions coverage to anyone else who bought a Martian watch from us earlier in 2018. Effective automatically. (But you will have to email us to ask for your coupon codes if it happens.)

Hopefully this makes you feel better about gambling on – again – a pretty nice watch even without “smart” functions. And we think we’ve priced these in a way that makes them worth the risk.

In our opinion, the attitude to take here is one of COME ON, BIG MONEY, NO WHAMMIES.

Or, as the turkey vultures always say: gghhhhhssssssspt Hggghhssssgghtt