Getaway Driver Bundle

  • A remote-control GMC Sierra, a bottom-of-the-line pair of earbuds, 72 pieces of caffeinated gum, and an LED Bluetooth fidget spinner
  • The perfect combination of items for [???]
  • Contains products suitable for insertion in three of your bodily orifices, which is an all-time record for Meh bundles
  • Listen to this through your earbuds while you drive your RC Sierra
  • Model: BBDRVR
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SOLELY FOR FANTASY PURPOSES, NOT INTENDED TO AID IN THE COMMISSION OF ANY CRIME

Listen, hotshot: I’ve seen your type before. You got talent. Raw, natural talent. You’ve got a heavy right foot and your heart pumps ice water. Which, for most people, would indicate a serious medical disorder, but for someone in your line of work it’s OK.

You’re a getaway driver – the best in the business. And it’s a bad business. But business is good. I’m going to team you up with my guys, my crew. They’ll do the dirty work; you make sure they get away clean.

Because you’re good, I’ll give you that. You’ve got the reflexes of a lynx, or maybe one of those flies that are impossible to swat. Deer flies, I think? And as for being cool under pressure – yeah, you’re as unflappable as Big Bird’s dead right forelimb. The one Caroll Spinney doesn’t have a hand in. But it’ll take more than that to stay on top.

I’m going to let you in on a trick of the trade, youngblood. Something I only know about because I have so much first-hand experience with crime stuff. You’re gonna need to get yourself a kit. Everyone in “the life” has a kit. It’s absolutely a real thing.

Here’s what I’d recommend:

A FIDGET SPINNER to burn off nervous energy while your team is pulling off the heist. You might be sitting outside in a loading zone in plain sight. You have to look relaxed, lest you attract unwanted attention from Johnny Law, or Carlos Good Citizen, or Johannes Van Der Neighborhood Watch. Don’t let 'em see you sweat. Don’t get suspiciously antsy. Just fidget and spin.

CAFFEINATED GUM (where khat leaves are not available) to stay alert. In this business, you’re either sitting around waiting, or you’re burning up high octane at 80 miles an hour. Or sometimes you can be going a moderate speed, too. But my point is a lot of the time you’re on standby. And you can’t lose focus. If you zone out – or worse, doze off – then people get caught. And then they go to jail. Or, wait, prison. I definitely know the difference, because of my insider knowledge about this sort of thing.

IN-EAR HEADPHONES to pump your fresh jams while you drive, which is a real thing I know about from living the authentic life of a hardened criminal, and not just a cool detail I took from a movie, OK? Shut up.

RC VEHICLE for practice driving. You know that thing, where it’s hard to steer a remote control vehicle when it’s coming toward you? Because its relative right and left are not the same as yours, so you get all disoriented? You gotta practice that until it’s second nature. Why? Uh, because it will help you… navigate on Google Maps, maybe? Sure, let’s say that. Good.

Now get out of here, kid. I’ll send for you when the time comes. Meanwhile, keep your crankcase lubed, y’hear me?

Or dry, or whatever. I know all about engines; I’m the best at engines.

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