240-for-Tuesday: Ice Breakers 6-Pack 40ct Gum (Spearmint & Peppermint)

  • 240 pieces (6 packs x 40 pieces) of Icebreakers gum – enough to keep your breath minty for months in an apocalyptic survival situation
  • It’s “best if sold by” February 2018 for the Spearmint, December 2017 for the Peppermint. But what does “best by” even mean with gum? It’s not going to suddenly disintegrate like an unstable isotope that has reached its half-life
  • “Icebreakers” is the gum that comes in little cubes for some reason
  • Your choice of spearmint or peppermint – sorry, no fantastical mints like “wintermint” or “cinnamint”
  • Use them to wash away the vile taste of candy corn
  • Would you have ever dreamed, as a small child picturing what their future might hold, that you would one day spend your time reading product feature bullets for chewing gum?
  • Model: None (Food products, it seems, do not generally receive model numbers, which is pretty weird when you consider the baffling variety of food and the specific tastes of its consumers. Once you find something you really like at the supermarket, wouldn’t you like to be able to quickly and easily find it at another store using a card catalog or other system? No? Well la-dee-dah.)
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Food(?) For Thought

What is gum? Is it a food? Is it even technically “edible”? Is it a solid or liquid? What’s it made out of?

Whatever it is, you’re looking at 240 pieces of the stuff. It’s “best if sold by” February 2018 for the spearmint and December 2017 for the peppermint, which means you’d have to chew more than one piece per day to avoid this cut-off. That’s nothing for the gum freaks, many of whom maintain a pack-a-day habit. But the rest of you might need an excuse to buy a stupid amount of gum. Here are several:

  • Don’t worry too much about the “best if sold by” date. The gum won’t suddenly stop working in February or December. “Best by” means exactly that, and it won’t suddenly change from delicious to terrible at the stroke of midnight on November 30th or January 31st.
  • Hand out gum to strangers as a conversation starter. This absurd amount of gum could spur you to be more social. Give yourself a goal to hand out 10 pieces of gum per week and watch your inhibitions melt away like so much bubble gum from a 1988 Topps baseball card pack. Everybody loves the person who always carries gum – you could be that person. They call them “Icebreakers” for a reason.
  • Put the gum in a bowl next to the candy corn at your next Halloween party. Everybody will eat the candy corn, regret it, and then look for something to wash the taste and waxy texture out of their mouth with.
  • Donate the gum to a halitosis charity (they’ve gotta exist) and write off the ten bucks from your taxes.
  • Throw a “How Many Pieces Of Gum Can You Chew At Once” party. Pro tip: Hire an EMT.
  • Build an igloo out of the Icebreaker cubes to survive the harsh winter. Their insulating capabilities are not affected by the expiration date.
  • Put gum in your kids’ stockings this year. They’ll never need to know about the “best by” date, the suckers.
  • Get this brilliant small business idea off the ground: A coffee shop that includes a single piece of gum with every to-go cup. Think about it – you always want a piece of gum after drinking coffee to clean the taste out (and prevent coffee breath). Why not tape a little baggy with a piece of gum in it to the coffee cups so customers have one handy when they need it? It’s brilliant! Brilliant, we tell you! Now go do it.

See? You don’t have to be one of those pack-a-day freaks to use this much gum. Unless, of course, you’re a pack-a-day freak, in which case we sincerely apologize for calling you a freak.

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