Ion Backwards: No, I (Don't Believe This)

It’s been too long, friends! That is: too long since we’ve run a product that comes with a heaping side of questionable science, thus warranting another installment of THE SKEPTIC’S CHOICE! This time, we’re talking about something that’s been a bit of a theme for our year thus far: charging. Although, in this case, it’s not just your phone’s charge you need to worry about; it’s also the charged particles in the air (apparently)!

THE CLAIM

Aside turning your car’s cigarette lighter into 2 USB ports for charging your various devices, this little guy also emits somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.3 million negatively charged ions. These will attract the positively charged particles floating around (which are the smelly things) and attach to them, thus neutralizing them and leaving your car smelling pure… or something.

THE SKEPTICISM

Before I get to the product, let me pitch an idea I had: the first ever superfood-powered super hero movie! Basically, what we’re talking about is your standard, run-of-the-mill hero story. The script itself won’t be particularly groundbreaking, the acting will be just okay, and the effects will be good enough but not mind-blowing. In fact, the only difference between it and any other mediocre super hero movie is that everyone–from the extras, to the leads, to the crew members–will, for the duration of shooting, sustain themselves by consuming only superfood-laden green smoothies. This way, they can serve as model health citizens for the rest of us. No, you won’t see anyone actually consume any spirulina on screen. You just have to trust me: they’ll all be downing it by the gallon whenever the cameras aren’t rolling!

Does this pique your interest? Probably not. Because it’s really a dumb gimmick masquerading as some sort of wise health-conscious new-age-y bullshit.

That’s exactly what’s at work with today’s product, too. Which is why, when reading the reviews over on the QVC page, you’ll only see the occasional person raving about how one of these things miraculously dispersed the mystery fart living within their truck. The rest are as you might expect, some variation of: ‘The charging ports are nice, but I don’t really smell any difference.’

And this gets to what makes products like this so infuriating: the people who come up with them seem to understand that they need something to set themselves apart in a crowded field. But they don’t want to put the work in! They want a way to make their perfectly fine dual-USB car charging port seem better than just perfectly fine by doing anything but actually making it better than just perfectly fine! What’s a feature they could add, you ask? I don’t know. You know who else doesn’t know? Whoever decided to make this thing in the first place.

But if there’s any consolation, it’s that it’s here. Just the fact that you’re seeing a two-pack of these “Ionic Car Air Purifiers” for less than one costs elsewhere on clearance means justice has been served. The people have smitten it down, and now we’re able to sell it for cheap enough to tell you the truth: this is just the chunky-boi version of a dual-USB charging port.

THE CONCLUSION

If you want to keep your phone and another device fully charged on a long road trip, this isn’t a bad purchase. If you want to eliminate the positively charged ions that are stinking up your Corolla, we recommend rolling down a window.